Random Acts of Love
Golden moments that save us in the midst of struggle.
I’m noticing when I consciously look for it, so much love is found in the cracks that our struggles generate in day-to-day life—and even more so in the more extreme chaos that inevitably finds its way to our doorstep. Sometimes when life is breaking us, love is the golden seam that repairs us, just as in the Japanese art of Kintsugi.
Loving is easy; the hard part is the commitment to repair with those you love. Saying, “I do” is saying I’m willing to work at repairing our connection when shit gets real—over and over and over again, for the rest of our lives. It doesn’t matter how much you love someone. If you or the other is not willing to reconnect and repair, that relationship will fail to thrive no matter how much you love each other.
I’m realizing so much of loving my husband, kids, mother, and even the dog is about repair. Taking accountability, genuine apologies, forgiveness. Avoiding fights and playing nice is not loving the other person or yourself completely. Sure there is a time when holding back is appropriate, as long as that is not the default or a childhood trauma response guarding against deeper connections with people you care about. Love is being open and honest and authentic, and then also being willing to circle back and take accountability for when those states of your being hurt others.
We are still working through one of the most taxing cold and flu seasons we have ever experienced. The following are some tender moments that felt like a golden ray of sunshine through the very thick clouds.
My husband feeding the dog [without me asking] when I have been up all night with a sick kid for days.
Sophia offering to run upstairs for my ebook because she know my knees just did a few flights and I need a break.
Near the end of Romeo’s life (Sophia’s first betta fish), I made an assumption about life-saving measures for the dog vs the fish, and immediately saw my error written on Sophia’s face. Her love for that fish was on the same level as our dog, and it hadn’t occurred to me until that moment where Romeo ranked. I have since opened my heart much wider for our fish (now another betta with an otocinclus, and a second tank with two pea puffers and an otocinclus).
After weeks of Sophia being sick and taking all of my time and energy, I snapped at Ava for not helping out more with simple chores and tasks that she normally does daily. We were going back and forth when she looked me in the eye, tears filling hers and said, “Do you not understand that half of what my energy relies on is your love, and I have not been getting that from you?!?” Mic-drop moment from the 8-year-old and a new understanding of how love literally fuels her capacity to function. Once again, I was struck by her ability to so clearly express her needs and emotional awareness.
The unspoken love net that catches us in Al-Anon meetings when we share deeply vulnerable truths with people we don’t know well, yet who know us better than anyone else outside that sacred space.
Coming home from an Al-anon meeting to find a hot cup of tea waiting for me on the counter. It’s a lot to add to our weekly schedule, but it shows my husband respects and understands my need for exploring this healing process and that cup of tea means everything.
Roosa burying her head in my chest when I broke down crying on the kitchen floor after weeks of intense viral caretaking and sleep deprivation.
Roosa often doesn’t eat well for a couple days when she is absorbing added stress from our lives. But now almost 7 weeks of this horrid illness has worn a small hotspot on her paw where she licks to sooth the unease in our home. We are up all night, even on a “good” night. The bad ones have sent me rushing to the emergency room three times, an urgent care twice, and now two 911 calls when a parade of strangers invaded Roosa’s home in the hours that should be restful and healing. This hotspot evidence of trickle-down anxiety isn’t exactly “love,” but it certainly is our connection that raises her stress levels when a simple nuzzle-hug is not enough to heal us. We chose a golden retriever for their natural emotional support traits, and this poor girl has been working hard. I feel blessed to have her here with us and couldn’t ask for a more loving soul to be the one my kids grow up with and remember from their childhood.
Now that Ava has fallen sick for weeks, she has been sleeping in my bed. After a few mornings finding her bedroom dark and quiet, she expressed the importance of leaving on her lamp, night light, and air purifier for her menagerie of stuffies so they don’t feel so alone in her absence. She takes time to arrange her bed nicely even though she is sleeping in mine (and brings 5-6 with her). I find this act of love and care for her beloved stuffies and her personal space so sweet and hope she never loses that. This little one offers regular lessons on how to love deeply.
Sophia is mostly on the mend now—first one down, first to recover. The other night during our bedtime routine, I struggled with a coughing fit and needed a minute to catch my breath. She started massaging my neck and behind my ears (where she knows it calms the nervous system). Then she moved to my jaw and temples… This didn’t just feel like a kid pawing at me for a couple minutes to “take care of mommy,” this was a damn good massage! I do give them massages once in a while, but was still impressed with her intuitive touch and desire to love me in a healing way that my body needed in that moment.
What random acts of love are saving you this season?
This was so beautiful, Leslie. I am in awe of you. You are a steadfast beacon of love to your family and friends; I am struck here by how you are able to adjust the aperture on your life and take in the small and significant doses of love shown back to you.
“Saying, “I do” is saying I’m willing to work at repairing our connection when shit gets real—over and over and over again, for the rest of our lives.” Yes yes yes!
Love all the little moments you captured. And that mic drop moment of your daughter saying her energy relies on your love 🥹